
Boyz II Men has been good to me. In Junior High the music served as the background of some extremely uncomfortable school dances, characterized by the clichéd and all-too-familiar girls on one side of the gym and boys on the other, trying to scrounge up enough courage to touch the girl´s shoulder as they swayed awkwardly to the tear-evoking lyrics of ¨I´ll make love to you¨, which also include, if you remember correctly, ¨Throw your clothes/on the floor/I´m gonna take my clothes off too...¨.
Although these memories will be with me forever, I don´t really want them to be. That´s why, when my Nicaraguan boyfriend* (see end of paragraph) expressed his love for this 1990´s boy band, I was surprised and yes, slightly disappointed. But, I said, this is a different culture! Who am I to judge this 24 year old man (whose mom still serves him dinner every night) for having a soft spot for terrible crooners? How do I know what his life has been like? Maybe he finds extreme comfort in the soothing lyrics and can relate to these gentlemen´s struggles in the ghettos of Philadelphia! He also admired Coolio and worshipped TuPac, although maybe we shouldn´t blame him for that; TuPac´s the fuckin MAN. Regardless, this boyfriend´s musical tastes were stuck in an era that nobody´s musical tastes have any business being in, but I (the anthropological girlfriend that I was) took this opportunity to throw myself into Nicaraguan wannabe gangsta culture. After all, he was hot.
*In Nicaragua, the term boyfriend is haphazardly thrown around and is code for ¨lover who can have other lovers but you can´t¨.
He taught me a lot, this boyfriend of mine, and by boyfriend I mean a handsome Nicarguan guy who chases after innocent white girls and convinces them of his heartfelt honesty and emotional investment. This is done by professing unsolicited loyalty (I never expected a Latin Man to be ¨boyfriend of the year¨), gazing into his girlfriend´s eyes with longing and passion, sending frequent and admittedly very cute text messages and emails, and the key technique: feigning hurt and disbelief when you question his sincerity. This lack of faith, however, turns out to be warranted, when a month into your ¨relationship¨, you realize your doubts were logical and entirely founded, as he has come across another white girl who´s in town for a few days, this one even cuter and more importantly, less resistant to being conquered. He doesn´t have the common decency to admit to his indiscretions, and so instead, he uses the famous Nicaraguan method of ¨turn the blame around on the chick¨. This means ceasing to talk to or acknowledge his former lover, and then approaching her to chastise her for cheating on HIM! He will accuse her of fucking other dudes, lacking respect for herself, and even (get this!) not trusting him! It´s a lovely routine. For me, and many other self-respecting human beings, the relationship ends there. These men, on the other hand, seem to see this as a minor setback, and may even expect a reconciliation once the cute, in-town-for-a-few-days chick has continued on to obnoxious backpackers´Mecca, Costa Rica.
My problem, unfortunately, was that during the month long affair (which I am sad to say constitutes a long-term relationship for most Leonese men) I continued to be the at least semi-thoughtful person I consider myself to be, which means treating him with respect, engaging in long political conversations with his parents (which turned out to be the highlight of the realtionship), and even buying him gifts. Which is why, when he mentioned his esoteric love for Boyz II Men, I asked my sister in the US to send me the platinum Boyz II Men Collection, which I intended to be a Christmas gift. Sadly, the emotionally void, sex-filled relationship came to an end after the aforementioned infidelities took place, and I was left with a lot of questions, slightly less self-confidence, a significant increase in free time, and a goddamn piece of shit Boyz II Men CD.
After discussing the situation with my fellow chelita and partner in Nica-men avoidance, I decided that I will, in the end, give him the CD accompanied by the following qualifier: I give you this CD not as a symbol of my friendship and affection, nor do I give it to you with appreciation for all the devotion you´ve showered me with. I had INTENDED to give you this gift because you aided my transition into this insane, deceptive world of Nicaragua with open arms (and plenty of condoms) and because I am an attentive and caring girlfriend. I now realize my adorable naivete precluded me from seeing through your impressive bullshit, and that you do not deserve this CD, nor the sentiment that prompted its purchase. In spite of all this, I am left with a few good memories and your intended Christmas gift. So accept this offering with the knowledge that I am giving it to you primarily because what the FUCK am I supposed to do with a Boyz II Men CD?!
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